Paul Wilson
When asked to write my testimony on what happened in my life WITHOUT Jesus, what it was like and what it’s like now WITH Jesus, it is without a doubt the easiest YES I have ever given. But it wasn’t always the case. Unless it benefitted me, a couple of years ago I would have said yes, but knew all along I had no intention of ‘wasting my time’.
I’m 37 years old and I have always valued my own opinions over anyone else’s. You couldn’t tell me anything, and if I was having a bad day and you said the sky was blue, I would have said it wasn’t just to provoke you and get into a fight. Basically, I was always right. No matter what.
I have begged borrowed and stole from people my whole life. On the surface, I came across the model father/partner/brother/son and friend. But inside my moral compass was way off! I had a mask for ANY occasion. And worst of all, I lied so much I had completely lost myself. I didn’t know WHO I was anymore!
I used to say “I’m a good person, why does ‘it’ always happen to me. Poor me” OR “it’s not me, it’s them!” Looking back… I was inconsiderate, selfish, self-centred, a liar, a cheat, disrespectful, full of rage, full of self-pity, extremely deluded: and prey to misery pain and depression from the moment I woke to the moment I went to sleep. And that was BEFORE I found alcohol, Class A substances & gambling! I was an egomaniac with an inferiority complex, completely wired wrong and my soul was dead. I lived to use drugs. The only time I was happy was when I was picking up my next fix.
Alcohol and drugs did for me what I couldn’t do for myself. I felt 7ft tall! It gave me confidence, self-esteem, and the world became exciting and colourful. It became my God! It was my master, and it ruled my life! —But like everything in my life, it didn’t last forever. Something was missing! I KNEW it in my heart that something was missing - but like always, I thought I could figure it out myself. (I used to think; maybe it’s the partner/job/lack of money or possessions?? Yep, I’ll ‘try harder’)
I Was sentenced to 2.5years in prison, I started losing track of time, I lost job after job, was kicked out of every home I have ever unpacked my black bag full of clothes in, slept in the back of my van for a while, burned every bridge and by the time I came to recovery I had no one that respected me apart from my teenage daughter. (Who, THANK GOD! loves me unconditionally and never saw me drunk or high.
I wasn’t all bad, I just feel I need to write these truths for my own reminder and benefit, more than anyone else’s. I also need to remind myself OFTEN that:
- I am NOT my behaviour,
- I am NOT my struggle,
- I am NOT my worst mistake,
- I am NOT my past, and
- I am NOT what has been done to me.
These things may be what I have experienced - but that’s NOT who I am today…
I owed what I consider a small fortune to people, dealers, debt collection agencies, credit cards and rent. You name it, I owed them something. My alcoholism got even worse and suicide became an option. I used to cry myself to sleep SO ANGRY with myself that I wasn’t brave enough to go through with it, then I was so afraid to wake up because I knew Groundhog Day was about to start over. I was powerless over alcohol and drugs, and so so SO desperately wanted to stop, but I couldn’t.
Alcoholism is a physical, mental & spiritual illness. And it’s real. Take my word for it. I genuinely believed with all my heart that my daughter and family would cry for a week or two, then realise I had done them a favour! What a sad sad place to be in, but there was and IS some good news… there’s a way out.
The people that found their way out of hell all pointed me to God. I was the typical atheist / agnostic, But I did it because I didn’t want to ‘look’ a failure. Lol It’s insane isn’t it?...I’m severely pressed/anxious/suicidal and my life is a mess; BUT STILL! MY EGO AND PRIDE said “they don’t know what they’re talking about. They’re idiots. They can keep that hocus Pocus stuff” (and in the same breath), “I hope they like me, I can’t look stupid. What they think of me is important”.
So off I went on my people-pleasing mission to St. Paul’s on the hunt for God, and bumped into Ron. (the pastor of freshwaters) He gave me his time, sat with me, and after talking for a while in the chapel, he gave me his card and told me if I ever needed a friend he would be happy to meet for coffee. The Town Chaplain even gave me his own personal pocket bible! - This was my first ‘god moment’ and I now know the meeting we had there in the church was extremely significant in my journey to God. Unfortunately, there was no sudden flash of light on that occasion, but the seed was planted…
2.5years later & 27 relapses in recovery, I finally run out of ideas. For the first time in my life, I didn’t know what I was going to do! I was completely unquestionably hopeless. I had hit MANY rock bottoms, but this time it was different. I had no fight left in me. I will never ever forget that feeling of desperation as long as I live…I had exhausted all avenues and finally conceded to my innermost self that I was powerless of alcohol and my life was unmanageable.
I got a new sponsor who is a Christian (typical alcoholic/addict, I blamed the last 5 sponsors for my failure) and he told me I have some pretty Big Problems, so I need a pretty big God! He also said I am deluded/full of sh*t and my programme I’ve relied on for the last few years isn’t worth a thing. And the big ‘I am’ just lowered my head and said: “you’re right, what do I need to do?” FINALLY! I had surrendered. I was done.
He then introduced me to Jesus and my life hasn’t been the same since!
(Now for anyone that skipped through the morbid beginning of this, I was the type of addict that could not stop. If I wasn’t using drugs and alcohol, I was THINKING about it. People mattered, but only when it benefited me. If I wasn’t stealing physical stuff off someone, I was stealing their peace of mind.)
But the moment I prayed to Jesus honestly and asked for his help, something changed in me. It wasn’t like an exorcism kind of feeling, but more a quiet calm sense of peace. I had NEVER experienced anything like it. It was extraordinary! For the first time in my life, I actually felt (in the pit of my stomach) that I was going to be alright. Again, never actually believed THAT before either!
I haven’t picked up a drink or substance now in nearly 7months now. Not even had a thought either! (Is this not a MIRACLE in itself??! For 20years my thought process has been oblivion!)
From that moment on I have not stopped seeking more of God. My sponsor suggested I go to a few churches and ‘find my home’, so I did. Nothing gave me that peace I felt when I first welcomed Jesus into my life. So I prayed for some guidance, I asked for him to reach through my limitations and show me where to go. (That’s the beauty of experience, it’s all stored up, seeds are sown and absorbed by the spirit, and used when a person is ready to receive the msg)
At the time I couldn’t believe it myself when the thought occurred to me to look for Ron. The friendly pastor that had time for me all those years ago… the seed had flourished and I couldn’t wait for Sunday! Ha!
**In case anyone’s wondering, I’m smiling from ear to ear while writing that last part…**
I was welcomed at the door and spent a couple of hours with some of the most gentle, kind & loving people I have ever met. No one avoided me. In fact, the opposite, they showed interest in me. At first, I was so scared because I thought if they knew who I was, they would avoid me like the plague. I returned the week after, and halfway through the service I sobbed in my chair and felt an overwhelming sense of belonging. Another thought came into my head from nowhere… “you're home”.
By having a relationship with God - through Jesus Christ, and the help of my recovery program, I do not even recognise myself. I do not lie cheat or steal. I don’t need to tell people I love them. My actions show it. My experience has taught me that actions speak much louder than words. Lol and I’ve always had words. Lots of them! Haha and good intentions – (even more of them then words!) - But I was lacking in action... I’ve learned intentions without actions are just good ideas…
I am nearly debt-free today, I have rekindled my relationship with my parents, my relationship with my teenage daughter is absolutely amazing, I live in a home with people that can’t wait for me to walk through the door, I have made amends to nearly everyone I could think of that I harmed in any way, face to face. I have become a respectable person in society and live my life considering others best interests and wellbeing before my own. My values towards money property & prestige are practically non-existent and I know for a FACT that God is working in my life. I am reliable, honest, (too honest some times but making progress) generous and empathetic. If I’m honest, there are many more positives than there ever was negatives now. (And there’s plenty of them.)
I have learned that there are 2 important dates in a person’s life... The day they were born, and the day they realise WHY they were born.
Today I have a purpose. I am present, accountable and useful. I feel my calling is working with people that can’t see a way out just like me. I do that in my recovery - but quietly have my fingers crossed for a place in the church in the future…
I pray HARD for more to be revealed, and have unshakable faith that as long as I stay close to Jesus, I will be ok no matter what happens! The one promise that stands out for me is God has a purpose for each and every one of us.
First and full most, to be signposts for God.
For Paul's story in audio click here.