Paul Welfare
I went to Purford Green Junior School in Harlow, and later to Brays Grove Comprehensive. I left Brays Grove in 1972, with 7 GCE O levels and 1 A level. None of which I can prove, as I have lost all of my certificates.
After leaving school, I was very naive regarding spiritual matters.
And I did something that was unbelievably stupid.
I wanted to witness an incident where the emergency services were involved. Not to be involved myself, just to see it.
I actually asked Satan to arrange this. Not long after, I was involved in a serious road accident. I was a pedestrian, and both my legs were broken.
I was rushed to the North Middlesex Hospital by ambulance and admitted. Full-length plaster casts were applied to both my legs, from my toes to the tops of my thighs.
Laying in my hospital bed I heard God say:-
“Can you hear me?”
I kept quiet.
Then He spoke again, saying
“Speak, lest I strike ye dumb”.
Immediately I felt a swirling motion in my mind and I called out in fear
“I can hear you”.
A nurse came over to me quickly and asked
“What’s the matter?”
To my shame, I replied “Nothing”. And I heard no more.
Why I reacted this way to Almighty God I shall never understand. I seemed to be more afraid of what others might think of me if I spoke into the air.
What a missed opportunity and what a fool.
After quite a long period of time and with all the challenges involved in recovering from such an accident, I did manage to get back to normality. Except for a permanent weakness in my left knee.
But at the age of 23, I was behaving more and more bizarrely. One day I was watching some Morris dancers in Broad Walk in Harlow. Suddenly into my mind came the clear command “Go to Bethlehem.”
It was clear, but to this day I don’t know from what source it came. But at the time I believed it was from God. So now, not wanting to be disobedient, I withdrew £600 from my Halifax savings account and bought a return ticket to Tel Aviv, in Israel. £600 was a lot of money in 1977, but I wanted to have enough to cover every eventuality. I arrived in Tel Aviv and somehow caught a bus to Jerusalem. There I booked into a hotel.
The next day I went to the Old City, wandered around, and ended up in the Arab quarter. I was approached and decided that I was in some danger, so I ran all the way back to my hotel as fast as I could.
While in Jerusalem I saw a mural of Christ’s crucifixion, at the entrance to a church.
I stood looking at it.
A vicar came out and spoke to me. He asked my name, and where |I was from. I told him. Then I asked, “Why did He have to die?”
The vicar told me the message of the gospel.
I think that he asked me into the church, but I came away and returned to my hotel. At the Reception Desk, I remember asking “Where is Calvary?”
But I got no satisfaction.
So after a few days, I decided to return to London. Somehow, I made my way back to the airport in Tel Aviv.
Once there I changed my mind again, realising that I hadn’t accomplished what I had come for.
So I took a taxi to the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem.
On arrival, I asked the taxi driver to wait and entered the church. The entrance was a lot smaller than I anticipated. This must have been the Door of Humility. Christmas was approaching and I bought two very large candles from a robed man with a mop of white hair. Then I ran out of the church, back to the taxi.
There were IDF soldiers in the square, and my sudden running caused them to grip their machine guns more tightly. Much to the alarm of my Arab taxi driver!
I returned to just outside Tel Aviv airport, where I booked into another hotel for one night. In the morning I got a taxi to the terminal.
My air ticket had been cheap because I had agreed to stay in Israel for 14 days. Only about 5 days had passed, so I had to meet with an airline captain pilot and persuade him to fly me back to London earlier. This cost me quite a lot of extra money. But I returned on the next plane, picked up my car from the long stay car park at Heathrow, and returned to my parents’ house in Harlow.
Before I’d left, they had gone away for a few days, to have a break from the stress I was causing them. All they knew when they returned home was that I had told my sister that I was going to Israel.
One thing led to another, and I was sectioned and taken by the police to the Churchill Clinic at Princess Alexandra Hospital. The Clinic was the centre for the mentally ill, it is now called the Derwent Centre.
I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.
On admission, I was put on “sleep treatment”. I don’t remember the first 6 weeks. When I came round, I had gone down to 9 stone in weight and had to learn how to talk, walk, wash, eat and everything else again, as I had forgotten how to do these things. I had been totally broken down. I remember lying in my bed, unable to move. It was the only time in my life that I wanted to die.
But I felt the wonderful presence of God overwhelm me.
It did all come back to me fairly quickly though, and the nurses and staff were brilliant with their care and understanding.
In those days, in 1977/78, they had a massive occupational therapy department. Patients could choose from a wide variety of activities, from painting to pottery, wicker basket work, woodwork, metalwork, making stools with weaved corded seats, or just attending therapy groups to talk. There was even gardening.
Now and again an outing would be organised using a minibus.
I quite enjoyed it!
I made chess boards, a coat stand, and magazine racks, from mild steel.
There was even a snooker table and a table tennis table, with all the equipment.
The highlight of the day though was the meals in the canteen. We would all have to queue for quite a long time and then, after having been served, find a seat and a table.
I was always very hungry.
I was regaining my strength and my medication was gradually being reduced.
I still had a burning desire to find out more about God.
It was here in the hospital that I first read all 4 Gospels. They were individual Good News booklets that had been placed on shelves in the ward I was in. They did have an effect on me and I insisted that a vicar should visit me.
Which did happen!
But I was disappointed and a little disillusioned, although I can’t remember what was said, or what we spoke about.
I decided I wanted “out” and to get back into work doing something useful in the community.
I was allowed home in stages, first for a day, then a couple of times a week, then overnight, and later for a weekend.
Eventually, about six months after being admitted, I was discharged. I went back to live with my parents.
I started applying for jobs, prepared to take almost anything. I did have quite a few, some were quite low pay. But I never told any of them about my medical history or illness.
Finally, I felt confident enough to apply for something more secure, with some sort of future.
I joined the Post Office on 12th May 1980 as a counter clerk. I attended a six-week training course in Oxford. When I had completed it I joined the counter staff at the Crown Office in Harlow Town Centre.
I hadn’t forgotten about God and I did occasionally visit a church. But nothing grabbed me and I concentrated on getting through each day as best as I could.
Probably the wisest decision I made regarding employment with Royal Mail was being honest about my past illness, i.e. the schizophrenia. Apart from two very good lifelong friends, my family, and the personal interviews at the Post Office, nobody knew that I had been mentally ill. I had never mentioned it.
I tried to cover it up and act as normal as possible.
After about 2 and a half years the Head Postmaster called me into his office for a talk. We got on really well and following this I was given the position of supporting the Postal Sales representative. He used to visit potential clients with a view to gaining new business contracts. He also looked after current customers.
My medication had been steadily decreasing over time. I felt so well that I decided to stop it completely.
This happened after I had been doing the role of Postal Sales Representative Support for a period of time. I really enjoyed my new work and everything was going well. I even got engaged, to the sister of a fellow Post Office worker.
The biggest problem with the mentally ill is that when they feel really well they want to come off their medication. Not realising that it’s the medication making them feel so well.
I’ve done it twice.
I shall always be grateful to the Royal Mail for taking me on, even after informing them about my schizophrenia and the medication that I was taking.
Anyway, stop my medication I did. And in 1983 I went doo-lally again.
Again I was sectioned and readmitted to the Churchill Clinic.
I was only knocked out for a shorter period this time but was heavily dosed up.
The Post Office were very good to me, and kept me on full pay for the six months I was off work.
Returning to work again, to staggered hours and easier duties, I was eventually well enough to return to counter duties. My work colleagues were supportive, and at times “carried” me!
In 1988 I moved from my flat in Sycamore Field to Tithelands, where I still live.
During the summer two ladies knocked at my door, telling me they were from the local church.
We had quite a long and very good conversation. The following week a note was put through my door inviting me to a BBQ one Saturday. I went along but couldn’t stay long as I had a squash match booked with a friend. But I did talk with people and enjoyed a burger.
I liked them, considering them nice people. I decided to go along to the service on the following Sunday.
But on the Saturday before, my father died. Hence I had to see to my mother and family and sort out probate as the eldest son.
I managed to get to a Sunday service about a month later, and continued going regularly afterwards.
That church was Katherines and Sumners Church, now known as Kings Church.
I enjoyed this new extension of my life, attended fellowship meetings and groups, and made good friends.
I started visiting boot sales before the Sunday service, buying 2nd hand children’s Bible storybooks and displaying them on a table in the church. Then I was shown how to visit All Nations Christian College, to obtain books on a sale or return basis, only paying for those sold.
I really enjoyed reading the book titles on both children’s and adult books on a variety of Christian topics. Then deciding, from the summary of contents on the back, which to choose for display in the church.
All was going well.
I was told about a Christian event being put on at the Agricultural showground in Peterborough by Kingdom Faith Ministries. They were (and still are) based in Horsham, West Sussex, and led by Colin Urquhart. Other speakers came from all over, some from other countries. The worship, atmosphere and teaching were great. I remarked that, to me, it was like a little taste of heaven. I believe there were about 5,000 believers on-site, either camping or caravanning on-site or staying nearby off-site and coming in each day for meetings.
I was growing spiritually and in the knowledge of the Word of God.
Meanwhile, Royal Mail had a major reorganisation. 3 divisions were created:
Royal Mail Counters
Royal Mail Letters
Royal Mail Parcels.
Most employees had to opt for one division. I decided that I didn’t want to stay on counters for the rest of my life so I opted for Letters. I was given a position in Chelmsford and commuted daily to their Victoria Road office.
Just short of 3 years later I returned to Harlow, to work in the Mail section. Then back to Chelmsford again after about 18 months. I was sent on a training course in Milton Keynes. This was to determine which boxes the letters went into after the postcodes had been read on the Automatic Sorting Machine, for certain walks. These boxes were then emptied, the letters bundled together, and forwarded to the postman’s delivery walk.
I was still attending church regularly and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour. I was baptised by full immersion in water on 12th May 1991, exactly 11 years after joining the Royal Mail. When I came up out of the water, I felt absolutely wonderful and I knew I had done the right thing.
I went home and sat on my settee for a long time, just enjoying the experience. There were 4 other men baptised that day. It was special.
My baptism verse is:-
2 Corinthians chapter 12, verse 9
“ “My grace is sufficient for you, for my Power is made perfect in weakness”. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me”.
I’m a bit hazy as to when I completely stopped my medication again, but stop it I did.
I went to Kingdom Faith again in 1992, at the Peterborough Agricultural showground. When I came home I didn’t return to work. I committed an act of assault, that I later really regretted.
Afterwards, I went into London and basically wandered around for a night and 2 days. I had just about enough sense to realise that I had to get back to my flat in Harlow. I managed to persuade a black taxicab driver to make the journey home. This cost me £55.
I went to bed, after a hot bath. I’d been in a nightclub in London, and I did wonder if someone had spiked one of my drinks, as when I got home I was shaking quite uncontrollably.
During the night I was woken by the police. They waited for me to come outside. But I just got dressed and made myself a cup of coffee, then sat down on the settee in my living room. As you do!
The police eventually forced the front door and entered my flat, with riot shields. But I was quite calm. There must have been about 10 policemen on the scene. They arrested me and took me to the police station. I was put in a cell and the next day two psychiatrists visited me. One was from the hospital, the other from the police.
They both agreed I was mentally ill and was not responsible for my actions. So I was transferred to the Churchill Clinic again.
Later I did return to work but in November 1993 I was officially medically retired. I was on quite a lot of medication and not really functioning as I should have been at work.
I haven’t worked since.
God had used my 13 years of financial security with the Royal Mail to enable me to get a mortgage and start buying my flat in 1988. Also to qualify for a life-long Royal Mail medical pension. Although it’s not enough to live on alone, it’s a great help financially.
As I was getting better, I reflected on the reason I was arrested and just what I was capable of when off medication.
I decided never to stop it again.
But I did want to get it down to as low as possible, because of side effects.
All my life, up to 1993, I had always wanted to be in work. But it hadn’t been easy for me. I now had considerable time on my hands.
I started to frequently visit the local SportsCenter gym. And spent time visiting friends’ homes.
I did seriously consider returning to some sort of paid employment. But I wondered what would be available for me.
Also when prone to mental illness, major factors are anxiety, stress and worry. I had to determine what was best for me.
And to be honest, with my medical pension and the state benefits I received then I was no worse off not working.
Friends, both Christian and non-Christian, were very supportive, particularly my dear old mum. Unfortunately, my father had died in 1988 but had been a great encouragement up till then.
But God still had plans for me.
10 years passed, and my friend Phil was led to create the Great Open Door ministry. His vision was to put on Assemblies with a Christian ethos in Primary schools throughout Harlow. He recruited a team of volunteers in 2003. He asked me to set up and operate the sound system. By now I was attending Commonside Christian Fellowship, and I had been taught something about sound systems. Although I was certainly no expert.
I prayed about it and decided that as I had the time I should be involved if that was where God was leading me. I told Phil I would operate the sound system but in no way was I going out the front! I wanted to stay behind the scenery, out of sight.
I did do this for some years, but God had other ideas. I have performed out the front now.
God has used this ministry to grow me, and help bring Christian messages to Primary school children in Harlow.
And it has been so rewarding doing this and being a member of some wonderful volunteer teams over the years.
My main medication had always been an injection of Modecate. In October 2017 I was told that its manufacture was ceasing. Obviously, I was very concerned about this, as I didn’t know what new medication I was to be given.
I asked for prayer.
They put me on Risperidone tablets, which is a more recently developed drug. When the Risperidone kicked in properly I was, and am, so much better. Research over the years has done its work.
40 years has passed up to 2018, and I am told that biblically 40 is a number that denotes a time of preparation.
I look forward to what is to come! It’s absolutely true when God’s word states “The peace of God passes all understanding”.
God has been very patient with me over a long time. And although I would not want to relive any of my past I am glad it all happened.
Jesus is the one and only true Saviour, the only true Messiah, and the one true Son of God. And He has been my closest friend and guide. I’ve been slow to learn, but I have learnt to listen to Him. Looking back I can reflect on how God has moulded me under His mighty hand.
He has never given up on me!
In Psalm 119 there are three Bible verses that I find very applicable to my life:-
Verse 67 – Before I was afflicted, I went astray but now I obey Your word.
Verse 71 – It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.
Verse 75 – I know, Lord, that your laws are righteous, and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.
God knows best!
We all have an eternity to face, and it is so important for everyone to contemplate where they may spend it.
This life is only temporary. Whatever we go through will be most beneficial, if we treat it as a spiritual learning curve.
Paul Welfare
26/12/2018